As exciting as this whirlwind has been for all of us fans, Terrian’s journey on American Idol has come to end, but oh this is just the beginning! Read Terrian’s words below, as posted on her blog about her final appearance on the show. Thank you to everyone for your support and thank you Terrian for being such a beautiful representative of North Memphis, Angel Street, Oasis of Hope, and Hope Church!! We are forever #TeamTerrian!
I vividly remember this day. I physically still feel what it felt like then.
All of us contestants waited anxiously in the holding room on information regarding how The Final Judgement would go down. I did not know what was next.
All I knew was I poured myself out on stage the night before. I finally knew what it meant to leave it on the stage. I did just that. But was it enough? Was I one they needed for their Top 24?
Many contestants told me they felt it was a “sure thing” I would go through — they were SURE of it, they told me! My response was always, “I don’t know. You never know what they’re thinking.”
Then, the time came. A producer called my name and told me to hurry upstairs, but to take the elevator. I got up there knowing I was about to receive my results.
My heart is pounding as I write this.
My time had come and it was beautiful – black with piercing rays of blue light. I walked down the long, infamous aisle that so many Idol contestants have walked down and there the judges were sitting.
They smiled as I walked in, but I couldn’t look up — I was so nervous. I sat down and Keith began talking. As he spoke I thought “They’re about to send me home.” I could feel it because he complimented me 98% of the conversation. The more compliments I heard, the closer I felt myself receiving a “no.”
Then, he said it… “Unfortunately, it’s a no.”
I felt numb. I continued to smile, but walking away I didn’t know how to feel. I had to walk down the stairs and reveal the news to the contestants and my support team.
My team was turned away from me, so the contestants saw me first. I finally got to where I could reveal the news and shook my head “no.”
There were gasps and then it was pretty quiet. The camera crew was waiting for me at the steps, ready for an interview. But, all I could say was, “I’m sad.”
I’m terrible at speaking while crying, so I kept responses to a minimum or I would’ve sounded like a troll. It was rough and I cried myself to sleep that night.
Reflecting back, I realize something. I took on a challenge that I knew would be tough, so I used the song Oceans as a theme going to Hollywood. I knew it would be something unknown and it would be an experience where my faith in God would be challenged. Receiving the no, is actually where this song should’ve come into play.
Traveling to and from Hollywood and getting in the routine of early mornings, late nights and singing it all day became my comfort zone. It started to become easy to take on, even though there was a great challenge that lied within the whole experience. I’m singing,
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.” (Oceans)
I believe singing this and telling the Spirit to lead me where my trust was without border, was God leading me directly to the “no.” My trust and faith in God was so shaken in the “no.” I could feel it beforehand. I was afraid of hearing “no!” If I heard that, I didn’t know what would be next.
I felt I could sink instead of walk upon the waters of the “no.” There was so much fear, anxiety and pain receiving it. So God took me through a journey of renewed faith and trust in Him.
Here’s where the issue came in — the second time flying out to L.A., I felt my identity becoming more about being an Idol Contestant and less of being a Child of God. It became more of what I was wanting and less of what He was wanting.
In a recent interview, I explained how knowing who you are in Christ is what keeps your sanity in a process like Idol, because if it’s not, you will be hurt — immensely. In that interview, I spoke on what had happened to me back in L.A..
My lack of identity was detrimental to how receiving the no would be.
So, where do I stand now in all of this?
I miss the experience of American Idol, I miss my Idol friends and I miss the restaurant YALLA! But, I trust God. He is walking alongside me in this journey of walking on waters. I am following His plan, and doing my best to keep my eyes on Him through all of this. Some days are better than others, but I know He has a much better plan for me than I could ever give myself and that plan doesn’t include American Idol.
I am grateful for the “no,” because it needed to happen. I am excited for what He is doing next. It was a great season of life, but that chapter is closed now and it is time to get back to work!
Words can’t express my excitement for the future.
Much love, Team Terrian. Glory to the Giver!